What I Won’t Be Wearing in 2016

Gucci

All photos style.com

Style.com just posted “The Spring 2016 Men’s Trend Report.” I was going to do the same thing (great minds think alike), but because they beat me to it, I’ve decided to criticize the list instead. That’s me — I’m always so helpful!

First up is “Lads in Lace.” I’m not opposed to lace. In fact, one of my favorite shirts ever was a lacy, white cotton number that I paid an arm and a leg for in the mid-80s. The only thing about that shirt is that it was not openwork lace. Transparency is much harder to sell to men than it is to women. What’s even harder to sell is a Gucci, girdle-colored, shrunken lace shirt  adorned with old appliques quite possibly discovered in the trash bin behind the Dolce & Gabbana atelier. This is the ugliest garment I saw on any runway this season. There is no coming back from that moment: the Gucci show hurt the brand.

Second on the list is “Fifties Shades.” I like this one. Old bowling shirts are always stylish, especially if they’ve got a wonderful name embroidered on the pocket, like “Burl” or “Slim.” I like the roomier, tapered trousers, too. I have an athletic build and pleats actually work with my body type.

Third is “The Garden Variety Suit.” I’ll take credit for this trend because floral prints have been my thing for thirty years. Finally, people are starting to see the brilliance in me that I see in myself. It’s about freakin’ time.

Next is “Scarf Ace.” I like the pun, but I hate the trend. I grew up in a province that was built on the agriculture business. We were always taught to never wear dangly things around farm equipment — and there was farm equipment everywhere! Even though I’m a city boy, that advice still sticks with me today. No scarves for this guy!

The fifth trend discussed is “Stripes on Steroids.” Do stripes ever go out in menswear? I don’t think so. Still, I did like this suit by Tiger of Sweden:

Tiger

I would wear that jacket and the open collar would look great on me, too. The construction of the pants is poor, though. The model looks as if he has no penis. I’ll pass, thanks.

Sixth up is “One and Done.” Yes, that means onesies! Jumpsuits are sort of hilarious. If you go back to the 70s when leisure suit-inspired jumpsuits in double-knit polyester were actually a thing, you hit the exact moment in recent fashion history that is the most-reviled today. I don’t mind the clothes of that era because I’m a little more open-minded than most people are toward all of the foolishness of fashion. I even liked the jumpsuits that had a temporary revival in the 80s (the Kenzo number in the photo below reminds me of those). Would I wear one? Probably not.

Kenzo

Next is a trend called “East Meets West.” I almost bought a Brioni silk shirt last year that was ridiculously expensive. It was in a crane print that recalled classical Chinese art. Now I’m kicking myself for not getting it while the getting was good. All the Chinese prints and embroidery seemed very fresh on this season’s runways.

Eighth on the list is “Into the Crease,” which discusses the crinkled trend. This brings to mind another shopping story. The same week these shows walked, I tried to order a crinkled Helmut Lang coat from an American website. I went to the checkout and was informed that the item didn’t ship to Canada. Seeing all this stylish crinkled stuff makes my tale of woe even more tragic I know, right?

Second to last is “Leg Room.” I don’t believe that the wide-legged pant trend has a leg to stand on. I like the pleated, fifites-style tapered trousers I mentioned earlier. Men’s fashion is stuck in the mid-80s right now. That’s how the pants looked back then. We need to allow those to come back in and go back out again first before we start moving off on another tangent altogether. This isn’t women’s fashion. Guys are slower to embrace a new silhouette and pants have been skinny for a long time now. Expect to see plenty of these wide-legged pants on sale on Mr. Porter and SSENSE this time next year.

Finally, is “The Need for Speed,” illustrated with this Moschino number:

Moschino

I don’t know about New York and London, but motocross-inspired stuff that looks just like this is everywhere in Canada. Guys’ guys wear it almost as much as they wear those horrible duck-hunting camouflage prints. It’s so far on the other side of fashionable, it makes Ed Hardy look like a more likely candidate for a comeback. I’ll say no, thanks.

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